No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
