True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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