And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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