dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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