You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i will never coherently bang her
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
