I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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