HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
