Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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