I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
