I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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