Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
