I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
