I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
