So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
