my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
