It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
