drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When are your genitals available?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
