I looked at my own cervix.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize