If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
