something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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