I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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