he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
