I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
