Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
