It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize