Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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