i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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