I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
