If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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