No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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