So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
