I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Randomize
