The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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