We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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