My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
