So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
