I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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