Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
