You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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