The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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