Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
