his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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