We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
