just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
