i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
