If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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