if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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