Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He passed out mid-signature
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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