my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
