did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
