why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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