My girlfriend figured out who you are.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You ruined the universe
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
