I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
