Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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