I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
